Shortage of Virgin Wives in afterlife for suicide terrorists
THE AFTERLIFE - Allah has expressed his concern at the lack of virgin wives for muslims who blow themselves up in the name of their almighty, ever-faithful and multi-armed and headed God. In a statement, the Afterlife CEO said "Due to popular demand, the number of virgins available for frivolvous shagging from our suicide martyrs has dropped considerably and so we ask wannabe terrorists in the Palestine area to restrain from sticking bombs on themselves for at least a couple a weeks, by which time we hope to have stocked up." Added Allah, "We regret that this shortage may affect us in the longterm, and the number of wives for martyrs may drop from seven to five." This follows the recent controversy that the Christian heaven had allowed in a Buddhist through it's pearly gates.

Bush "Outrage" at Saudi Arabia World Cup Participation
JAPAN - President of the World and recognised idiot George Bush has expressed his outrage and shock that Saudi Arabia has been permitted to take part in this year's World Cup Finals in Japan and Korea. "How can they play [football], they've got beards and dark eyebrows!" the President was heard to remark. When explained slowly and carefully to the President, using flipcharts, CD-ROMS and comparisons to his favourite cartoons, that Saudi Arabia posed no threat to the USA, Bush paused before saying, "Can't we bomb them anyway? They might hate Americans. I know I do. [tapping of microphone] Is this this thing on?"

KASHMIR CRISIS: India-Pakistan Hire PR Guru
NEW DELHI & ISLAMABAD - The two sides about to go to nuclear war over some crappy part of the crappest continent of the world have hired PR man Ken Sterling to raise Armageddon's profile in the tabloid media. The war has been poorly timed, co-inciding with David Beckham breaking his haircut before the World Cup. Ken Sterling is likely to promote the sleazier side of the war, including stories such as "Musharraf's Radiation-Burned Love Child", "England Player Get's Jiggy with Kolkatta Bombshell" and "Hookers in A-Bomb Sex Toy Shocker".

Sharon's Mum Back From Holiday
JERUSALEM - Israeli PM Ariel Sharon's recent climbdown can be apparently explained by the fact that his mum has got home from her holiday, and was very disappointed in the way her juvenile son had left the house. "Look at the state of my Jenin!" she cried, sending the immature General to bed without supper.

KASHMIR CRISIS: A-Bombs "only language they understand"
LONDON - It was announced today by the government that although Britain and the U.S. had had nuclear weapons for almost sixty years without using them, India and Pakistan would because of their "less able brainality". It was also suggested that maybe a bit of nuclear hanky-panky would "do them all some good, knock some sense into them. It's the only language these people understand."

Big Bruvver Infiltrated by Taleban
LONDON - The hit TV show "Big Bruvver" has somehow let a Taleban member slip through its rigorous screening procedure. After only 6 days, the Taleban has already managed to convert three other housemates to "Angry Islam" and they are planning suicide attacks. The chicken coop has been turned into a guerilla warfare training facility, based on authentic Bin Laden designs. A spokesman for the show's makers, Mogodon, said, "We don't understand how a Taleban managed to get into the house. Our screening procedures were meant to let only the most dull and brainless people get a spot."

Britain Enacts New Terrorist Laws
LONDON - The government today denied that they were infringing on civil liberties with their new anti-terrorist laws. A spokesman said, "all we have done is raised the bar for terrorists trying to get into this country. We have introduced super-tough laws that make it as difficult for a terrorist to get into this country as it is for a suspected football hooligan to get out."

Touching Story of an American Victim/Hero
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - An American woman painfully recalled the events of the Sept 11th attacks, a day when she became a victim. The deli Health & Safety worker heroically took her eyes of the young trainee she was monitoring, instead looking at the 67th reply of the World Trade Center crumbling. "I can't watch anymore," she heroically uttered as the young man's hand was shredded. But out of tragedy came hope, as the woman discovered that the young trainee was too poor to afford a lawyer to sue her. A true and heartfelt story of a true American victim of evil foreign-ness.

Ball-Boy Terrorists to Ruin Our Fun
SEOUL, NON-EVIL KOREA - World Cup tournament organisers warned today that massive disruption could be caused by subsersive ball-boys and ball-girls. A child with explosives strapped-on was tested in front of the watching press; upon detonation, the football he was meant to be retrieving became punctured to shreads. Punctured footballs are potentially the biggest threat to the tournament. Peripheral damage included splattered advertising hoardings and an increased feeling of American victimhood after the images were broadcast on the America Telly Network..

Axis of Evil to Stage Rival World Cup
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - The President of EVIL, the FIFA for pariah states, announced plans for a rival World Cup to take place at the same time as the normal World Cup. Knowing that they cannot compete with the standard of football, EVIL has made the competition more interesting to fans by making the losing team amputate its own legs. The Afghanistan team has also promised to play football "Kabul-style", i.e. you don't know whether they will come out to play football or to carry out an execution in front of the fans. EVIL President said "I think it's edgier, and should prove a real hit....especially in the American entertainment market".

The schedule is as follows:
TALEBAN AFGHANISTAN v NORTH KOREA
The first match, accompanied by opening ceremony involving dancers, marching bands and public figures, all being gassed with Sarin to set an example to everyone else.

ANGOLA v ANGOLAN CIVIL WAR AMPUTEES
Proof that footballers shouldn't get legless the night before a match.

COLOMBIAN FARC v IRELAND I.R.A.
Should be a bit of a long-ball game, seeing as the IRA and FARC share the same mortar from 100 yards tactics, so don't expect much play in midfield.

SPECIAL MATCH: HAMAS v ISLAMIC JIHAD
Special guest referee Yasser Arafat, who fails to keep this match under control, despite sending off all 22 players in the first minute for laughing at his attempt to run away from a dog that gets into the stadium.

Bush-Putin Talks Hit Snag
MOSCOW - The talks between the Russian and American leaders hit a snag this week over the nature of the cuts in nuclear missiles, but more importantly because President Dubya was unsure how to transport his PlayStation back to the US without also wiping his new top score on Mario Kart.

KASHMIR CRISIS - Pakistan Tests Missile
PAKISTAN - Pakistan today tested a long range missile capable of deploying nuclear warheads. General Musharaff insisted that this missile was not intended for military use against India, but was "necessary for the speedy delivery of nuclear components to an atomic power plant that gives free power to the poor".

VERY MAJOR SITE NEWS: 'It's My War' enters exciting new partnership with WriterExchange
Today saw the beginning of a new era. It's My War has been incarnated as 'T.W.A.T.' (The War Against Terror) on fledgling writing site, WriterExchange.co.uk. T.W.A.T. will be a weekly roundup of the thousands of news stories that Rodd and I endlessly and mercilessly cover for you, the people, every single day of the year (including Christmas and our birthdays). Those vital links again:

- Writer Exchange
- T.W.A.T.
- T.W.A.T. Forum

Thanks to David and Stuart at WriterExchange for, well, everything.

Inspired Bush Orders Iraq Re-Think
WASHINGTON, DC - President Dubya ordered a thorough re-think of the plan of attack on Iraq after being inspired by a Hollywood blockbuster film. The President has scrapped his "Son of Star Wars" plans, and has instead put research funds into creating a crack squad of spider men. It is believed he has ordered the purchase of two teleporters and hired Jeff Goldblum as technical director, supported by Geena Davis.

KASHMIR CRISIS: War Reaches Boiling Point
NEW DELHI, INDIA - The Kashmir Crisis between India and Pakistan escalated to unbelievably dangerous heights today, when the Indian Foreign Minister described Pakistan's attitude as "unhelpful". God, save our souls, Armageddon approacheth!

Colombia and Afghanistan to Devastate World Economy
WASHINGTON, DC - American officials announced today that Colombian FARC (nb not FARK) rebels have teamed up with Afghanistan and plan to start an OPEC style cartel, bumping up drugs prices in an attempt to increase the social and economic burden of drugs on Western societies. In unrelated news, Cypress Hill announce they are hurridly releasing 15 albums and going on six global tours at once, "a real money spinner" says their agent.

TV Presenter in Al-Quai'da Link
LONDON - Tabloid newspapers revealed that telly man Angus Deyton is in fact Osama bin Laden's bosom-buddy when it comes to planning terrorist operations. This adds to the presenter's PR woes, in a week where he was photographed by a newspaper papporazzo with an untied shoelace.

Britain: "No girls on front line"
LONDON - The British government announced yesterday that silly girls would not be allowed on the front line because they would "increase the amount of distractive perversions that would otherwise be reserved to Sexy Dancing Clubs and Porn Restauraunts".

US Still Trying to Capture Bin Laden
AFGHANISTAN - The US military is still yet to find and capture Osama bin Laden. Rumours that he was dead have all but been quashed completely by officials because the only evidence supporting these claims are in the hidden messages when Black Sabbath records are played upside-down. The latest plot to capture Osama bin Laden is to construct two large towers in downtown Kandahar, and reduce Afghan airport security to a pre-Wright Brothers level. Then, Osama bin Laden will fall into the trap of executing another terrorist attack a la 9/11, and will be shot 41 times (a tribute to the trigger-happy NYPD).