It's My War!

2002-06-13T19:36:00.000Z

Shortage of Virgin Wives in afterlife for suicide terrorists
THE AFTERLIFE - Allah has expressed his concern at the lack of virgin wives for muslims who blow themselves up in the name of their almighty, ever-faithful and multi-armed and headed God. In a statement, the Afterlife CEO said "Due to popular demand, the number of virgins available for frivolvous shagging from our suicide martyrs has dropped considerably and so we ask wannabe terrorists in the Palestine area to restrain from sticking bombs on themselves for at least a couple a weeks, by which time we hope to have stocked up." Added Allah, "We regret that this shortage may affect us in the longterm, and the number of wives for martyrs may drop from seven to five." This follows the recent controversy that the Christian heaven had allowed in a Buddhist through it's pearly gates.

2002-06-08T16:09:00.000Z

Bush "Outrage" at Saudi Arabia World Cup Participation
JAPAN - President of the World and recognised idiot George Bush has expressed his outrage and shock that Saudi Arabia has been permitted to take part in this year's World Cup Finals in Japan and Korea. "How can they play [football], they've got beards and dark eyebrows!" the President was heard to remark. When explained slowly and carefully to the President, using flipcharts, CD-ROMS and comparisons to his favourite cartoons, that Saudi Arabia posed no threat to the USA, Bush paused before saying, "Can't we bomb them anyway? They might hate Americans. I know I do. [tapping of microphone] Is this this thing on?"

2002-06-01T00:04:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS: India-Pakistan Hire PR Guru
NEW DELHI & ISLAMABAD - The two sides about to go to nuclear war over some crappy part of the crappest continent of the world have hired PR man Ken Sterling to raise Armageddon's profile in the tabloid media. The war has been poorly timed, co-inciding with David Beckham breaking his haircut before the World Cup. Ken Sterling is likely to promote the sleazier side of the war, including stories such as "Musharraf's Radiation-Burned Love Child", "England Player Get's Jiggy with Kolkatta Bombshell" and "Hookers in A-Bomb Sex Toy Shocker".

2002-05-29T00:48:00.000Z

Sharon's Mum Back From Holiday
JERUSALEM - Israeli PM Ariel Sharon's recent climbdown can be apparently explained by the fact that his mum has got home from her holiday, and was very disappointed in the way her juvenile son had left the house. "Look at the state of my Jenin!" she cried, sending the immature General to bed without supper.

2002-05-28T23:43:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS: A-Bombs "only language they understand"
LONDON - It was announced today by the government that although Britain and the U.S. had had nuclear weapons for almost sixty years without using them, India and Pakistan would because of their "less able brainality". It was also suggested that maybe a bit of nuclear hanky-panky would "do them all some good, knock some sense into them. It's the only language these people understand."

2002-05-28T23:32:00.000Z

Big Bruvver Infiltrated by Taleban
LONDON - The hit TV show "Big Bruvver" has somehow let a Taleban member slip through its rigorous screening procedure. After only 6 days, the Taleban has already managed to convert three other housemates to "Angry Islam" and they are planning suicide attacks. The chicken coop has been turned into a guerilla warfare training facility, based on authentic Bin Laden designs. A spokesman for the show's makers, Mogodon, said, "We don't understand how a Taleban managed to get into the house. Our screening procedures were meant to let only the most dull and brainless people get a spot."

2002-05-28T18:19:00.000Z

Britain Enacts New Terrorist Laws
LONDON - The government today denied that they were infringing on civil liberties with their new anti-terrorist laws. A spokesman said, "all we have done is raised the bar for terrorists trying to get into this country. We have introduced super-tough laws that make it as difficult for a terrorist to get into this country as it is for a suspected football hooligan to get out."

2002-05-28T18:04:00.000Z

Touching Story of an American Victim/Hero
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - An American woman painfully recalled the events of the Sept 11th attacks, a day when she became a victim. The deli Health & Safety worker heroically took her eyes of the young trainee she was monitoring, instead looking at the 67th reply of the World Trade Center crumbling. "I can't watch anymore," she heroically uttered as the young man's hand was shredded. But out of tragedy came hope, as the woman discovered that the young trainee was too poor to afford a lawyer to sue her. A true and heartfelt story of a true American victim of evil foreign-ness.

2002-05-28T17:57:00.000Z

Ball-Boy Terrorists to Ruin Our Fun
SEOUL, NON-EVIL KOREA - World Cup tournament organisers warned today that massive disruption could be caused by subsersive ball-boys and ball-girls. A child with explosives strapped-on was tested in front of the watching press; upon detonation, the football he was meant to be retrieving became punctured to shreads. Punctured footballs are potentially the biggest threat to the tournament. Peripheral damage included splattered advertising hoardings and an increased feeling of American victimhood after the images were broadcast on the America Telly Network..

2002-05-25T14:36:00.000Z

Axis of Evil to Stage Rival World Cup
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - The President of EVIL, the FIFA for pariah states, announced plans for a rival World Cup to take place at the same time as the normal World Cup. Knowing that they cannot compete with the standard of football, EVIL has made the competition more interesting to fans by making the losing team amputate its own legs. The Afghanistan team has also promised to play football "Kabul-style", i.e. you don't know whether they will come out to play football or to carry out an execution in front of the fans. EVIL President said "I think it's edgier, and should prove a real hit....especially in the American entertainment market".

The schedule is as follows:
TALEBAN AFGHANISTAN v NORTH KOREA
The first match, accompanied by opening ceremony involving dancers, marching bands and public figures, all being gassed with Sarin to set an example to everyone else.

ANGOLA v ANGOLAN CIVIL WAR AMPUTEES
Proof that footballers shouldn't get legless the night before a match.

COLOMBIAN FARC v IRELAND I.R.A.
Should be a bit of a long-ball game, seeing as the IRA and FARC share the same mortar from 100 yards tactics, so don't expect much play in midfield.

SPECIAL MATCH: HAMAS v ISLAMIC JIHAD
Special guest referee Yasser Arafat, who fails to keep this match under control, despite sending off all 22 players in the first minute for laughing at his attempt to run away from a dog that gets into the stadium.

2002-05-25T13:34:00.000Z

Bush-Putin Talks Hit Snag
MOSCOW - The talks between the Russian and American leaders hit a snag this week over the nature of the cuts in nuclear missiles, but more importantly because President Dubya was unsure how to transport his PlayStation back to the US without also wiping his new top score on Mario Kart.

2002-05-25T13:28:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS - Pakistan Tests Missile
PAKISTAN - Pakistan today tested a long range missile capable of deploying nuclear warheads. General Musharaff insisted that this missile was not intended for military use against India, but was "necessary for the speedy delivery of nuclear components to an atomic power plant that gives free power to the poor".

2002-05-25T10:30:00.000Z

VERY MAJOR SITE NEWS: 'It's My War' enters exciting new partnership with WriterExchange
Today saw the beginning of a new era. It's My War has been incarnated as 'T.W.A.T.' (The War Against Terror) on fledgling writing site, WriterExchange.co.uk. T.W.A.T. will be a weekly roundup of the thousands of news stories that Rodd and I endlessly and mercilessly cover for you, the people, every single day of the year (including Christmas and our birthdays). Those vital links again:

- Writer Exchange
- T.W.A.T.
- T.W.A.T. Forum

Thanks to David and Stuart at WriterExchange for, well, everything.

2002-05-24T19:00:00.000Z

Inspired Bush Orders Iraq Re-Think
WASHINGTON, DC - President Dubya ordered a thorough re-think of the plan of attack on Iraq after being inspired by a Hollywood blockbuster film. The President has scrapped his "Son of Star Wars" plans, and has instead put research funds into creating a crack squad of spider men. It is believed he has ordered the purchase of two teleporters and hired Jeff Goldblum as technical director, supported by Geena Davis.

2002-05-24T18:54:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS: War Reaches Boiling Point
NEW DELHI, INDIA - The Kashmir Crisis between India and Pakistan escalated to unbelievably dangerous heights today, when the Indian Foreign Minister described Pakistan's attitude as "unhelpful". God, save our souls, Armageddon approacheth!

2002-05-24T18:52:00.000Z

Colombia and Afghanistan to Devastate World Economy
WASHINGTON, DC - American officials announced today that Colombian FARC (nb not FARK) rebels have teamed up with Afghanistan and plan to start an OPEC style cartel, bumping up drugs prices in an attempt to increase the social and economic burden of drugs on Western societies. In unrelated news, Cypress Hill announce they are hurridly releasing 15 albums and going on six global tours at once, "a real money spinner" says their agent.

2002-05-24T00:50:00.000Z

TV Presenter in Al-Quai'da Link
LONDON - Tabloid newspapers revealed that telly man Angus Deyton is in fact Osama bin Laden's bosom-buddy when it comes to planning terrorist operations. This adds to the presenter's PR woes, in a week where he was photographed by a newspaper papporazzo with an untied shoelace.

2002-05-24T00:23:00.000Z

Britain: "No girls on front line"
LONDON - The British government announced yesterday that silly girls would not be allowed on the front line because they would "increase the amount of distractive perversions that would otherwise be reserved to Sexy Dancing Clubs and Porn Restauraunts".

2002-05-24T00:16:00.000Z

US Still Trying to Capture Bin Laden
AFGHANISTAN - The US military is still yet to find and capture Osama bin Laden. Rumours that he was dead have all but been quashed completely by officials because the only evidence supporting these claims are in the hidden messages when Black Sabbath records are played upside-down. The latest plot to capture Osama bin Laden is to construct two large towers in downtown Kandahar, and reduce Afghan airport security to a pre-Wright Brothers level. Then, Osama bin Laden will fall into the trap of executing another terrorist attack a la 9/11, and will be shot 41 times (a tribute to the trigger-happy NYPD).

2002-05-23T23:38:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS: India Plans to End Sub-Continentalhood
NEW DELHI - India announced plans to fully separate itself from Asia by starting an Earth-shattering nuclear war with Pakistan. The government wishes to reap the economic benefits of islandhood, which include an extended coastline, offshore banking and "Island Paradise" status.

2002-05-23T23:30:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS: Environmentalists Sing Praises of Nuclear Option
KASHMIR - Environmental groups have praised the Indian and Pakistani governments for their "brave population control measures" that could end over-population and it's associated problems in the region.

2002-05-23T23:28:00.000Z

KASHMIR CRISIS: First Casualty in Atomic Bomb-Dropping
LONDON - The first casualty of the potentially amazingly devastating India-Pakistan nuclear war died today of a brain haemorrhage in a Fleet Street hospital. The journalist died after her brain exploded writing a piece on the history of Kashmiri troubles when she was struggling to find an alternative phrase to "sabre-rattling".

2002-05-22T17:37:00.000Z

Illusionist in 35-Hour Stand on Tower
NEW YORK CITY - Weird-for-the-sake-of-weird illusionist David Sprain will amaze the watching American crowd as he stands on top of a tower for 35 hours without a break. Covered live on national television, it will make a change from the serious news coverage that has dominated the airwaves since 9/11. Craporama TV cancelled their schedules, which had included "World's Most American Victims of Global Strife", "Patriotism Three-Hour Special", "Top Gun" and "Computer Generated 3D Real-Time Replays of 9/11".

2002-05-21T19:11:00.000Z

Afghan War Still Going On
AFGHANISTAN - It appears that the war in Afghanistan still rages on. Apparently, the general public are not only ignorant to the failure to capture Bin Laden, destroy the Taleban and Al-Quai'da and set up stable government, but do not even know it's still happening. Interest is expected to pick up when the official DVD is released in 57 years time, when everyone will be able to see how much of an expensive cock-up the whole operation has been. "It is all going to plan" said the President, whose stay in power will have ended in only six years.

2002-05-21T19:10:00.000Z

2002-05-21T18:57:00.000Z

EU Bans Immigration, Terrorism Over
SPAIN - The EU today announced that it was to ban immigration totally utterly and completely. It expects there to be a cessation of terrorism at once thanks to the new measures.

2002-05-21T18:39:00.000Z

TERROR ALERT! Terrorist Wolves set to Maul American Flocks!
UNITED STATES - For the third time, the government announces to the nation that shepherds must be on the look-out for wolves planted by terrorists near their flocks. Officials deny they are "crying wolf".

2002-05-21T18:34:00.000Z

"Terror Warnings Set to Increase" Shock
WASHINGTON, DC - US Secretary of Public Opinion, President Dubya, announced today that he was going to be forced to issue further warnings of terrorist threats. "Threats come in every day, and although most of them are without foundation, we will announce them as credible threats anyway." When asked when he was going to release the evidence backing up previous terrorist alerts, Dubya said, "don't worry your head about it, the important thing is you're alright, and that you will be willing to vote for me in 2004."

2002-05-21T00:14:00.000Z

Mailbox Bomber Dead!
WILD HORNIES, NEBRASKA - The much feared "Mailbox Bomber" was killed by one of his own mailbombs, after he accidentily put an invalid address on the package, and it was returned to sender by the US Post Office.

2002-05-20T23:33:00.000Z

Bin Laden Rescues Napster; Cripples Society
LOS ANGELES - Osama bin Laden has rescued the troubled file-swapping service Napster by buying it out. He intends to destroy American musical culture by peddling nothing but over-produced soft-rock, sugary-sweet teeny-popstars and image-conscious sell-out post-gangsta rap stars. Music industry insiders said, "that was our idea he's nicked....that's why we're insiders!"

2002-05-20T23:26:00.000Z

International Terror Network Linked to Heat-Sensitive T-Shirts
WASHINGTON, DC - The FBI has announced that the early-90's craze of the so-called "Global Hypercolour" t-shirts, shorts and other paraphenalia was simply a cover for the distribution of terrorists and terrorist equipment (e.g. "Angry Allah" Bibles). Right-wing Republican Senator Bigoil Evangelical had warned of the dangers these t-shirts posed before their hasty disappearance in winter 1992, when he said, "Global Hippycolour t-shirts are a greater danger to our society than AIDS." He is currently basking in his I-told-you-so-glory.

2002-05-20T18:19:00.000Z

SITE NEWS: RJ Twatting About to trigger Apocolypse
THE WORLD - It's all over, people. Rodd Justice's idiocy has gone too far, and God is angry. At midnight tonight, the human race, on Rodd's behalf, will be punished for the alcohol, masturba-- yeah, you get the idea. Basically, we're all fucked. I'll take this opportunity to say that I am passionately in love with Margaret Thatcher.

2002-05-19T19:35:00.000Z

SITE NEWS: RJ Birthday Crisis Enters Day 2
MILTON KEYNES - The twatting about, masturbation, farting, alcohol and that repeated repeatedly has not stopped. Today saw a continuation of the horrors that took place on 19/5, where well-known twat and T.W.A.T. site owner Rodd Justice refused to cease the twatting about. Tony Blair, George Bush, Sod'Em Hussain and Zippy from Rainbow all met in an urgent meeting today to discuss the situation, and ponder over whether I Can't Believe It's Not Butter goes well with Marmite.

2002-05-18T10:39:00.000Z

SITE NEWS: Rodd Justice's Birthday; FBI on full alert
MILTON KEYNES - Today is May 18th, which critis, tabloids and suicidals are already citing as "the new September 11th". For today is Rodd's birthday, and to celebrate his 64th, he will indulge in an excessively, dangerously large amount of pornography, alcohol, masturbation, alcohol, farting, masturbation, alcohol, masturbation, and twatting about like a twat. (Note to self: he's probably going to edit all that out.) The world waits and hopes for peace.

2002-05-17T22:28:00.000Z

Airline Delays; Bin Laden "pretty pissed off"
SWANWICK, ENGLAND - The new supermegasmashinghyperhooraycomputer to run the air traffic control centres across Britain crashed today, in a "crash". The su-me-sma-hy-ho-computer, which had originally hoped to be implemented before aeroplanes were even invented, caused major delays up and down the country. Especially affected was a Mr Osama Bin Laden, who was hoping today to hijack three planes and fly them into the light beams that shine up from Ground Zero in New York, thus blinding every non-muslim person in the world. "This is very frustrating, and EasyJet will be hearing from my lawyer," said Mr B. Laden. "You can't believe how this upsets my timetable - I'm meant to be in a cave contemplating death right now, and instead I'm stuck at Heathrow with my feet sore." EasyJet have apologised to the unhappy flyer, giving him a free ticket to a tall, non-muslim inhabited skyscraper of his choice.

2002-05-16T22:54:00.000Z

Coming to a cinema near you....
"BEN TRADE HURCENTER"
15 hour epic of the 21st century American corporate slave alive at the time of President Jesus Bush. Starring Dawson Creek as Ben Trade Hurcenter.

Watch in amazement as the Arab terrorist slave-masters (Denzel Washington, Cuba Gooding Jr., Al Jolson, miscellaneous blacks) order the corporate slaves in tightly packed economy class to go to "ramming speed" as the 747 hits the tower.

Woody Allen guest stars as the neurotic 747 pilot, whose dour streetwise New Yorkerness shines through despite being shot in the head over Madison Square Garden. "The World Trade Center will be a melting pot if we crash into it, honey!"

Inappropriately casted Jim Carrey stars as Jesus. Ben Hurcenter says "surely this multi-talented zany-merchant is the son of the God of physical limb comedy."

The script is by some lardo, who wrote the story in the time between the first tower and second tower collapsing, giving it that raw feel.

2002-05-16T21:30:00.000Z

Prez Knew About Terror Attack Plot!
WASHINGTON, DC - Evidence in the FBI and CIA has come to light to suggest that President Dubya knew of terror attack warnings before Sept 11th. The following pieces of evidence were given to the President in between levels of Mario Kart:
- 1,000's of planes fly across the USA every day;
- tests from the 1950s prove that even a spastic can fly a jumbo into a building as shiny as the World Trade Center;
- Osama bin Laden is Satan's wheelchair;
- there are countries full of axis nutters who want to eat our heads;
- firemen could be crushed to death under huge pieces of steel, even if they aren't hollering at the local women and saying "you're so hot, it looks like you need a fireman."
The shocking revelations are certain to end the office of President, and could potentially outrage Iowa into becoming an intraverted psychosis of sub-land, and therefore in future responding to only the most glib of politicians.

2002-05-15T20:57:00.000Z

Train Crash terrorist attack: "Getting A Bit Boring Now"
POTTER'S BAR, NEAR LONDON - Osama Bin Laden's terrorist network, Al-Gore, has once again struck western shores with another devastating terrorist attack. However, no one gives two shits. "I don't believe that anyone in this great country cares anymore," yawned PM Tony Blair (though still smiling). "I think it's all pretty pointless and Mr Laden should just accept he's wrong, kiss and make up with George, and go back to making chairs." George Bush is quoted as saying: "Where's my cheese?"

2002-05-15T20:51:00.000Z

Russia and US reach historic agreement over nuclear arms disposal
WASHINGTON D.C. and MOSCOW - Russia and the US have both agreed to dump a third of their nuclear weapons elsewhere. Colin 'Rhino' Powell told It's My War: "We'll be dumping our nuclear weapons in a random position, which may or... may not (but most likely may) be in Russia." Russian President Vladimir Putin said much the same, replacing "Russia" with "zee shitty America land, huh?" George Bush is quoted as saying: "What?"

2002-05-06T19:21:00.000Z

Dutch Gay Shot by Bin Laden; Gays on Gay Alert All Over Europe
HILVERSUM, HOLLAND - Kok "Gay" Manlove, the gay Dutch facist who described Islam as a "sub-par religo-dumbfest" last week, was shot in the head by one of bin Laden's henchmen today outside a leather and PVC outlet, a regular haunt for gays. The reason is because bin Laden sees the gay Manlove as a threat to his gay icon status (see yesterday's story). Security has been heightened around Europe's other very offensive gays, and there is a fear that this rotten Islamic gun disease could spread to the likes of Italian gay politician Mano Amano Solo (he's gay), who last week said the Holocaust was "no more evil than mouldy cheese".

2002-05-05T16:10:00.000Z

Mowlam Reveals: "Tony is an Iraqi"
LONDON - In a sensational move, former Labour MP Mo Mowlam revealed yesterday on Channel 4 television that Prime Minister Tony Blair was actually born in Iraq, and is a first cousin once removed of Sod'Em Hussain's milkman. Speaking on the programme, she revealed: "Well, it seemed obvious, really. I mean, where did you think I got my wigs from? And Tone has always been reluctant to bomb Iraq. It's got his favourite aquariam there."

2002-05-05T16:05:00.000Z

Yet Another Plane Crash; Arabs Blamed
NIGERIA (HEY, THAT'S A NEW ONE) - In another shocking instalment to TWAT, yet another plane crash has tragically taken place, this time in Nigeria. Experts are estimating that over 100 million innocent capitalist american passengers were tragically killed. To add to the excruciating pain, it is also thought that many of the passengers had wives, children, or pet fish. The Pentagon in the US have said that "an Arab" was flying the plane, and cackled evilly, his eyes red as ketchup as it hit the ground, praising Allah and denouncing all that was good and western. The US will fight back by bombing every single country in the world except the US.

2002-05-05T13:09:00.000Z

Church of the Nativity Latest
JERUSALEM - The 34 day/month/year siege at the Church of the Nativity may soon be over after negotiators made a breakthrough. The Palestinian gunmen will release the hostages in exchange for all previous siege records to be annulled, making them the most siegingest people in history.

2002-05-05T12:51:00.000Z

British MP Quits Over Unfunny Joke
LONDON - A top MP has quit after making an embarassingly bad racist joke. IT'S MY WAR can exclusively reveal the joke*:
Q: What do you call a Paki?
A: Osama bin Laden.
People had called on the MP to be sacked, and insisted that they replace her with someone more accomplished in the comic genre, such as Bernard Manning or Jean-Marie "Chubby" Le Pen.
* Joke made-up. Essentially, this story is untrue from start to finish, but it's does generate an atmosphere of what the joke was like.

2002-05-05T12:25:00.000Z

Bin Laden is a "Gay Icon"
GAYLAND - A host of gay magazines have declared terror nutcase Osama bin Laden as the number one gay icon of the 21st century. The most attractive aspects of the loveable monster are:

TREAT THEM MEAN...KEEP THEM KEEN
Let's face it, there are few meaner out there. Osama has previously declared gayness to be as evil as a sinister merry-go-round, a statement so mean it is driving the homos wild.

TALL DARK STRANGER
A very handsome nutcase, Bin Laden gives the appearance of a swarthy love machine, and his designer stubble and chest hair is very attractive.

LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY
Osama bin Laden shows all the classic signs of a frustrated in-the-closet gay man. In the macho world of global terror, Osama finds it difficult to express his true sexuality, but will on occasion kiss his close advisors on the face and send them frilly thank you gifts.

DEFENDER OF GAY RIGHTS
By bombing the USS Cole, he made a bold statement against the US military's stance on homo-soldiers. He also regularly beats his wives because they are women and not men, and flogs his non-gay cattle.

A SENSITIVE SIDE
He is rumoured to write gay poems whilst receiving kidney dialysis, assisted by a dashing male nurse.

BLING BLING
The power, the money, the guns, the tanks, the MPV's. Bin Laden is a powerful cash-laden man, who will wine-and-dine at Kandahar's top gay restauraunts with other celebrity gays.

2002-05-05T12:06:00.000Z

Whereabouts of Royal Marines Unknown
LONDON - The British government announced today that the 1,000 troops it despatched to Afghanistan this month have gone missing. They are suspected to have starved to death because the Ministry of Defence forgot to pack their sandwiches in the morning.

2002-05-04T23:57:00.000Z

Barbara Castle Torpedoed
AFGANISTAN (AGAIN, I KNOW, YES, BUT IT'S A HAPPENIN' PLACE TO BE, Y'KNOW) - Barbara Castle, former woman MP and Margaret Thatcher lookalike, has been killed amidst the terrors of TWAT by being torpedoed by US forces. The former Labour MP was known for "being very loud and making a fuss over nothing". Castle, who was a registered witch, became caught up in the war against terror, (or the Middle Eastern conflict) (or the US/Iraq conflict) (or World War III) (or the FA Cup - I forget which war), as she was taking a leisurely stroll through the mountains of Tora-Bora in north Afghanistan. Prime Minister Tony Blair, holding some onions, once again led the tributes, saying: "Today, so tragically, we have lost a great woman, at such a tender age. But tomorrow brings new life. Hey, Alistair, are you sure that's how you spell it?" before bursting into onion smelling tears. Castle was just 191.

2002-04-28T14:25:00.000Z

War on Terror Cancelled!
LONDON - Tony Blair officially called off the War on Terrorism today after Osama bin Laden struck a deal to take over the ailing ITV Digital project and also to buy the Millenium Dome. Rumours that he'll turn these into a propaganda network and terrorist training camp are unconfirmed, but the government is eager to save face over these embarassing national mishaps.

2002-04-27T23:15:00.000Z

Bush: "More Violence Please!"
WASHINGTON D.C. - Registered dickhead and so-called 'President' George Bush has called for more violence in the middle east. A recent withdrawal of troops and drop of headlining news caused the White House to panic, contemplating the possibility of peace, which was temporarily irridacated by Colin 'Squinty Eyes' Powell. Bush told the press in his pyjamas, "Less talk, more violence! Booo-ring! More boom booms! Nyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-crash-ahhh-I'm-dying-help-me!" Bush then rolled about giggling and had to be locked in a straightjacket in the Presidential Quiet Room to "think about what he had said".

2002-04-27T19:45:00.000Z

Bumsfeld in Afghanistan: "You die now!"
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - US Defence Secretary Daffy Bumsfeld wowed a crowd of 10,000 revenge fans in the local US base, and told all Afghans that it isn't necessary for the US to train up the army, because "Afghans won't technically exist as a people in a coupla years". Although this was met with muted applause, his gags about the Afghan Wigs went down a treat.

2002-04-27T19:34:00.000Z

Happy Birthday to You (Death to America Remix)
BAGHDAD - The Iraqi people spontaneously took to the streets to celebrate Sod'em Hussain's birthday and thanked him for "65 of the best". Following the spontanous street-party, there was spontaneously a test-run for a major fist-fight that Iraq expects to have with the US. This was then spontaneously met by spontaneous tear gas and bullet firing from local police, again a test-run for the forthcoming war. There was then spontaneous vandalism and burning of buildings, which we were assured was both an Iraqi custom and test-run for the Iraqi invasion and destruction of American towns. The police and army then issued a curfew spontaneously, promising to shoot dead anyone who was caught outside "behaving American".

2002-04-27T19:29:00.000Z

Accounting Firm Loses Arafat's Business
RAMALLAH, WEST BANK - The failed accountancy firm Colin Calculatorson has lost yet another major contract in the post-Enron situation. Palestinian leader Terror Arafat has fired them from his tea-towel, AK-47, 'peace' treaty and potential martyr to the cause audits. Arafat said "I intend to replace them with the specialist experts in the field, IRAWaterhouseBloopers". The economy did 3.9% in the twenty minutes after the announcement because of confidence and speculates.

2002-04-27T19:24:00.000Z

TLC Star's Brake Pedal "Terrorised"
HONDURAS - American experts examining the wreckage of TLC singer Josie 'Jimmy Knee' Jillickers car have announced that the brake pedal was infiltrated by Osama bin Laden's terrorist network by way of computers and silicon chips and the internet (technology that I nor my readers really understand, etc). This led to the last week's fatal crash, which killed the most influencial person in the world.

2002-04-27T19:14:00.000Z

Bin Laden the Space Tourist
SPACE - Osama bin Laden has been discovered in a back-room of the International Space Station. He was discovered by the universe's second space tourist, South African internet entrepreneur Momoney Thansense. It answers the two great unsolved questions of recent times, a) where did Osama bin Laden disappear to post-Sept 11th, and b) who on Earth was the first space tourist, I sure as hell can't remember.

2002-04-25T20:28:00.000Z

SITE NEWS: 'It's My War' bought by Microsoft
THE WHOLE WORLD/A SERVER IN SILICON VALLEY - Whilst my esteemed colleague Rodd is out of action (by which I claim no responsibility, and deny charges of conspiracy and bribing), I have allowed Sir Bill Gates OBE MBE FAT TWAT to buy 'It's My War' in a hostile takeover for $17trillion sqazillion. As a result, 'It's My War' will soon become known as 'MSN It's Microsoft War against everyone else in the world.com' and both Rodd and I will immediately lose our jobs.

2002-04-22T22:40:00.000Z

Rodd Justice Shot!
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - I have been shot in the line of duty! The pain is excruciating, but doctors say I am being very brave about the potential loss of the top of my pinky finger, which was shot by some dirty Muslim, possibly under orders from Osama bin Laden. In fact many of the SAS guys who I was drinking under the table only last night commented on my mental as well as physical toughness.

I had been conducting a live news broadcast for the BBC, and my bullet-proof vest with "TV" taped on it served me with little protection. I had decided to film my report outside on the balcony for atmosphere and so the sun could shine on my face. My initial concern was for myself, but I did show some concern for my cameraman (now dead).

Although I cannot believe the barefaced cheek of a fellow journalist who claimed I was taunting the gunman to shoot me so that I could get extra credibility as a front-line journalist. That would be scandalous!

A journalist, like me, does not attempt to service his ego on the front line, at least that's what I think.

2002-04-22T19:18:00.000Z

Afghanistan 'campaign' a 'success'
According to recent 'figures', 22,000 bombs have been 'dropped' on Afghanistan since the 'campaign' started, and 1 in 4 civillians have been killed.. US Defence 'Secretary' Colin Powell 'said' the 'news' was "encouraging". George 'Bush' said "Some guy told me once that civillians is an anagram of villains. Think about it."

2002-04-22T19:07:00.000Z

Hussain: "Twat"
After rigorous tests, studies and investigations, the US's best research scientists and war analysts can confirm that Sod'em Hussain, part time madman and part time window salesman, is indeed a twat. Colin Powell told us, "We all had our suspicions, and now, indeed, they are, at last, finally, after much deliberation, once and for all, confirmationally, absolutely, without hesitation, confirmed." The US now no longer have to rely on their made up story that Hussain lured schoolboys into his shed and raped them, day and night. George Bush is quoted as saying, "Huh?"

2002-04-22T19:02:00.000Z

Eminem's Shocking New Video...Again
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Middle America is about to be shocked once again by outrageously white rapper Eminem. Soon after details of his new viedo "Fuck My Ass, Gay Man, and I'll Shoot Your Face in Ironic Fashion (Parody of What Doesn't Actually Happen Every Day Remix)" were released, moral majority groups hoo-haa crazy. Apparently, Eminem dresses as Osama bin Laden in once scene and in another HE APPEARS TO SHAKE HANDS WITH A MOSLEM. "He is DESTROYING our kids with his filth," said one patriot.

2002-04-22T18:19:00.000Z

20th Hijacker: "I am a slave 2 U"
ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA - The 20th Hijacker, real name Twentieth Hijacker, is standing trial for Being a National Outrage. In a surprise move, he has demanded that his lawyers are fired, and replaced by pop sensations N'Sync, and has also said that his actions on Sept 11 were not his own, but were directions from his pop-god Britney Spears. "I was not responsible for co-ordinating terror, because I am a slave 2 U" he said. Despite these statements, Mr Hijacker is 100% guaranteed a fair trial by an unbiased American jury.

2002-04-22T18:11:00.000Z

Israel: West Bank Operations Finished
JERUSALEM - The Israeli government today declared that its military operations in the West Bank are over. An official spokesman said, "our tactics of killing suspiscious looking young men and bulldozing refugee camps will stop terrorism against Israel. The Palestinians will be too busy quietly grieving to worry about attacking us." In unrelated news, there is no translation in Hebrew for the word "naive".

2002-04-21T20:33:00.000Z

Bin Laden Second in French Election Shock
FRANCE - There has been a shock result in the first round of the French Presidential election, with controversial right-winger Osama bin Laden coming second ahead of the Prime Minister Lionel Jospin. Bin Laden's success was based on a controversial manifesto, including the banning of odd religions, making American illegal and the resurrection of Adolf Hitler so that his "Final Solution" plan can be re-started as soon as possible.

2002-04-21T20:07:00.000Z

UN: Arafat has been "Shitting in the corner"
RAMALLAH, WEST BANK - The UN envoy to the West Bank has discovered that when Israeli forces confined Palestinian bigwig Terror Arafat to one floor of his Ramallah HQ, they had forgotten to confine him to a floor with a toilet. As a result, Arafat has spent the past few weeks crapping and pissing in the corner of his "Executive Suite". He has also had to wipe his bottom on the operating manual for his anti-tank weaponry, because of the West Bank's chronic shortage of arse-wipes.

2002-04-21T20:03:00.000Z

England Boss Denies Arafat Love Tiff
LONDON, SWEDEN - England football boss Sven Ham Borlikson has denied that he is responsible for the Palestinian intifada, despite rumours that a bad break up with Terror Arafat was the root cause of the cycle of violence. During a tour of his HQ in Ramallah, the Palestinian leader revealed to "Celebrity Terrorist" magazine that he has been desperately seeking romance since the love of his life was tragically killed by his own suicide bomb in a busy market in Tel Aviv. "It was so unfair!" he said, wiping his tears on his dishcloth.

2002-04-21T18:46:00.000Z

Ariel claims 'Troops gone'; Fools Arafat
WEST BANK - Ariel Sharon has fooled Terror Arafat by claiming to pull his troops out of the West Bank. "It's the end of this military stage," said Sharon, before sniggering into his tie like a little schoolgirl. Reports suggest the tanks and soldiers are now posing as a travelling Russian circus before ambushing the Palestinians and killing them by pulling nasty faces at the elephant/tank.

2002-04-21T16:40:00.000Z

Shock: TheOnion.com Not First to Crack 9/11 Gags
THE ENTIRE WORLD - A top secret government file, known as the "Common Knowledge Database", has been leaked, and it shows evidence that upto 4.8billion people made amusing remarks related to the World Trade Center attack before theOnion.com managed to make an issue dedicated to strikingly obvious and not very incisive observations after the attacks on the US. Some reports suggested that the crappy website had actually pioneered the humour renaissance, after it had allegedly "died" between 11th and 24th September last year. This was rebuffed by the document, which put this idea down to egomaniacism among "satire" writers.

2002-04-21T14:13:00.000Z

9/11 Set to Win Awards
LONDON - Tonight's British TV Awards ceremony (the BIFTA's) is set to give several awards to the September 9/11 11th disaster. Among the awards it is nominated for include "Best Reality Show", "Most Visually Spectaculor News Event", "Best Post-Incident 'Expert' Waffle", "Best Outrageous Journalist Speculation" and "Best Special Effects". The highlight of the ceremony is expected to be when Osama bin Laden takes the stage to accept his "Lifetime Achievement" award for his service over the past decade to rolling television news.
More on this story at WriterExchange.co.uk

2002-04-21T14:02:00.000Z

Afghan King Assassination Plot
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - The return from exile of the former king of Afghanistan, Mohammed something-or-other, has been marred by rumours of an assassination attempt on his life. As a security precaution, he has been advised to steer well clear of any friendly-looking American troops.

2002-04-21T13:59:00.000Z

FBI Say Mysterious Corpse Is Not Osama bin Laden
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - The FBI has confirmed that the corpse found today was not Osama bin Laden, but in fact that of Layne Staley of grunge-rockers Alice in Chains. The FBI has yet to announce how it intends to blame this piece of bad news on terrorism.

2002-04-21T13:54:00.000Z

IRA "Not an army"
BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND - The IRA has denied that they were responsible for the break-in at the Police Station where details of top politicians were kept. They also categorically denied that they were an Army that had violent intentions, and had recently reformed their organisation to be more like the Salvation Army, helping drug addicts. "We're too busy helping druggies. Selling crack is a full-time project, and we have no time to blow your faces off," an IRA spokesman said, reassuringly.

2002-04-21T13:38:00.000Z

Israel Defends Itself With Arial Photo
JENIN, WEST BANK - Israel attempted to prove to the world that it did not embark on a massacre of civilians in Jenin by showing a photo taken from an aircraft. The Israeli government denies categorically that they did the crop circles. They also argue that the Palestinians lying on the ground were not dead, just posing for the arial picture. And the guy in the picture just looks like Elvis.

2002-04-20T13:38:00.000Z

Earthquake hits northeastern United States; Bush vows revenge
NEW YORK - An earthquake, measuring 5.1 on the Richter Scale, struck the eastern side of the United States today, causing minimal damage. Despite only cracking a few windows, George 'President' Bush stated that he would hit back at whoever committed these atrocities. "There are some folks that are saying this has something to with tectonic plates, but I keep telling 'em, I leave the cutlery to the wife. What's her name again? Mrs Bush? I thought that was my mom." Added Bush: "This is a war on terror, right? And this earthcake is terror-bull, right? So let's bomb the muthas." Colin Powell has sent in peacekeeping forces to Some Unpronouncable Middle East City to kill everyone in sight.

2002-04-20T12:00:00.000Z

US reckons Bin Laden is 'probably dead'
A CAVE, NEAR KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - American forces today gave up looking for suspected terrorist Osama Bin Mohammad Bin Osama Bin Laden, as they have announced he is 'probably dead'. "We've looked just about everywhere, I mean, everywhere in our camp, and we've rang round all the hospitals and terrorist injury homes," said Commander Sgt. Man Boobs, "but we can't find the sonuvabitch. He can't have holded out for so long - there's the best soldiers in the world out there. AND a few US soldiers have joined them too." Claims that the American forces were passionately in love with the Northern Alliance were fiercely denied.

2002-04-20T11:44:00.000Z

Bin Laden Goes to Court Over Hurley Baby
UP HER OWN ARSE, ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE DAILY TORYGRAPH, AS PER USUAL - Osama bin Laden is rumoured to be considering taking Liz Hurley to court, claiming that he is more evil than Steve Bing, and therefore deserves to be the legal father of Damien Satan Hornhead bin Hurley.

2002-04-20T11:36:00.000Z

US Announces Terror Warning System
WASHINGTON, DC - Secretary for Homeland Deviance (shouldn't that be Defence? - Subconscious) Tim Buldge announced a new hi-tech and co-ordinated national system for terrorist attacks. "What's gonna happen is, right, is like, we're gonna have one guy watching the News Channel, and if he sees the White House on fire, he'll call Vice-President Dork Cheerly to go back to the bunker a.s.a.p. and urge him not to have another heart attack." Support for the government shot up 99% after this announcement, which is the product of $600 trillion of research and planning.

2002-04-20T11:13:00.000Z

UN Sending Jenin Mission
NEW YORK CITY - The UN has ordered that a diplomatic mission will be sent to inspect Jenin after allegations of an Israeli massacre. The local tourist board hopes that the high level delegation will help attract the tourists back to the West Bank town, and also that the UN officials will take full advantage of their diplomatic immunity and get astronomically drunk at one of the town's many demolished beer-places.

2002-04-20T11:07:00.000Z

FBI: Your Money May Explode!
UNITED STATES - FBI officials have warned the general population that Osama bin Laden may have replaced every bank note in the country with chemically unstable notes, that could spontaneously combust. "We fear that these spontaneously combustable notes could combust at any minute," announced the FBI wordsmith. The general public reacted with fear and anger, one man saying "I've heard of economic boom, but this is rod-, rid-, reddi-, ridiculous."

2002-04-19T23:28:00.000Z

'Gaza Strip' provokes violence
BURNLEY, ENGLAND/JERUSALEM - Paul Gascoigne, the former England footballer commonly nicknamed 'Gaza', has been accused by Ariel 'Mention the Little Mermaid and You're Dead' Sharon of taking part in a disgusting strip. The incident, which is already being labelled as the 'Gaza Strip', has provoked violence from all sides in the middle east. Reports suggest that a lot of stone throwing and tanks barging about aimlessly has been taking place. Sharon (as in Ariel, not the lady down the launderette) has condemned the move, calling the perpetrator a "stupid f****ing wanker." Gascoigne, who has been quoted as saying "Here, what the bloody 'ells going on, pet, like, that ain't canny like, sort it out, man, christ," has been bombed by Israeli forces.

2002-04-19T23:01:00.000Z

Arafat, Sharon in Bar-Room Brawl
THE COCK INN, JERUSALEM - Palestinian Leader Terror "Bacardi Breezer" Arafat and Israeli PM Ariel "Girly" Sharon today were involved in a bar room punch up after a drunken conversation led to violence. Sharon offended Arafat by slurring "no offence mate, but all those Arabs need to be killed...no offence or anything, mate". Arafat responded violently, and had to be restrained, yelling "you killed my grandchild, you barmitzfah bastard!" Arafat's friends held him back, reminding the 70+year old boozer that Mr Sharon "was not worth it". According to sources in the taxicab industry, Arafat loves those guys, and considers them to be his best friends.

2002-04-19T22:00:00.000Z

SITE NEWS: Welcome abord, John Nugent
Rodd Justice welcomes his buddy from the infamous "Thai Manchick Journalist Sex Scandal" days from way back in the late 90s. Welcome John Nugent. Welcome.

'American Tourists' allowed into Iraq
by John Nugent
BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Sod'em Hussain has allowed two 'tourists' into Baghad after fierce denials that they were not nuclear inspectors in disguise. The two holiday makers, dressed in bright flourescent yellow plastic suits that covered their body, and sunglasses, told press: "We are here. For, uh, Enjoyment. Yes. And Pleasure. In Iraq." Then, after looking at a piece of paper titled 'Things to fool the Iraqis', continued "We are not her four. Sorry, we are not here for the inspection and advocation of suspected nuclear devices and experiments operating in this vacinity of the target area of TWAT. Type. Thing."

2002-04-19T21:46:00.000Z

Zany Arafat Eats World's Biggest Watermelon
RAMALLAH, WEST BANK - Palestinian leader Terror Arafat today ate the biggest watermelon of all time, to prove an abstract point to "Girly" Sharon. "He said my denunciation of terrorism doesn't hold water? Well let's see him eat this much water!...melon." In unrelated news, "It's My War!" website owner Rodd Justice denied that he was scraping the bottom of the barrel for jokes about the world's most deadly humans.

2002-04-19T21:39:00.000Z

Hamas Recycling Terror Threats
LEBANON - The downturn in the world economy has hit Muslim terrorist organisation badly. They've had to fire three staff in their office (literally) to cut down on costs. They've even taken to photocopying "vintage" press releases threatening terror on Israel. Most date back to the 1970s, but a few are dating back to as early as 1295 A.D. The blooper was spotted when it was discovered that the Beirut postcode on the press release heading was incorrect - Lebanese postcodes were all amended in the 15th century because of the discovery of the number "26".

2002-04-19T21:29:00.000Z

Terror Alert on US Banks
UNITED STATES - The FBI has issued an urgent alert to Americans in every state that there may be a terrible explosion and thousands and thousands of deaths after a threat "was or was not" received from Al-Quaida. In unrelated news, opinion polls showed that now only 95.7% of Americans regard the War on Terror as President Bush's policy priority (down 0.1% since (9) Sept "11th" XI).

2002-04-19T18:19:00.000Z

IRA Hit-List Found
BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND - A list of leading British Conservative politicians has been found in a discovery of IRA weapons. It has shocked political commentators in the UK, and is believed to be the only correct naming of the Tory leader by civilians in the history of Paul Smith-Simonson's leadership of the party.

2002-04-19T18:10:00.000Z

Israel Making Bad Excuses
WEST BANK - Israel is making below-par excuses for it's failure to meet US withdrawal timetables for its army in Palestinian areas. In phone calls to President Dubya, Israeli officials have made the following excuses: "Colin who?"; "What tanks?"; "Hello, this is Vladimir Putin, how may I help you?"; and "Look out behind you, Junior, daddy wants his desk back."

2002-04-19T18:05:00.000Z

Canadian Soldiers Killed "on orders"
AFGHANISTAN - Canadian soldiers involved in a training exercise were killed by US fire because the pilot of the fighter plane was ordered to "blow the Hell out of those damn Canadian terrorists." The order is reportedly from President Dubya, who momentarily forgot the friendly relations the US has with Canada. Upon hearing the news, the Canadian PM ordered all Canadians to flee North America for their own safety.

2002-04-18T23:31:00.000Z

SITE NEWS: God Praises Rodd Justice's War Blog!
HEAVEN - God's own press office had the following statement earlier:

One fella to be granted a room up here in heaven is somebody known to the mortals as Rodd Justice. He's got the right idea; his light-hearted war blog is just what I was looking out for amidst all this madness

Upon receiving the news, I decided that being an atheist was not the "real deal".

2002-04-18T23:21:00.000Z

UN: Jenin Battle "Morally repugnant"
JENIN, PALESTINE - Mydia Getmeontee'v, a top UN envoy, has expressed disbelief and shock at the state Jenin was left in by the Israeli army. "I can't believe they did not let a television camera in here for ELEVEN DAYS! The public wanna see ACTION! How can the army be so morally repugnant and not let mass media in to see the bloodbath? The more people dead, the better the TV - imagine the ratings this show would have got!" he said, rubbing his head in disbelief and shielding his face with a cloth, making sure his UN logo was visible to the camera at all times.

"I would like to nominate myself to co-ordinate a large-scale UN peacekeeping and diplomatic mission to Jenin as soon as possible," Getmeeontee'v added.

2002-04-18T22:33:00.000Z

Angry Americans Call for Action
UNITED STATES - After the terror attack that never was in Milan today (known simply as 4.18), Americans have demanded military action against Italy for getting them worried without just cause. Although President Dubya declined to declare war, he did demand an apology from Italy for leading Americans to believe that their 30-story Pirelli "Tower" was a skyscraper when it was actually just a puny office block. "Nobody will mislead the American people. These confusion-terrorists aim to destroy everything good about our nation; our ignorance, our naivety" said the Prez.

2002-04-18T18:39:00.000Z

Milan Air Crash: "Very unlucky incident"
MILAN, ITALY - A leading physicist has calculated that the probability of a small plane flying over Milan getting engine trouble and then crashing into that particular building is exactly equal to the probability of a javelin thrower spearing a fat dog through its bollocks from a distance of 100 yards. In related news, the Nobel Prize Committee has scrapped its annual award for achievement in Physics.

2002-04-18T18:24:00.000Z

Milan Air Crash: Bush Informed
WASHINGTON, DC - President Dubya was informed immediately of the plane crash in Italy. "I bet that woke those Italians from their siestas, didn't it?" the President is believed to have quipped.

2002-04-18T18:09:00.000Z

Milan Air Crash: Initially Shocked, Americans Calm Down
UNITED STATES - After the initial shock of the reports from Milan, Americans calmed down. "At first I was so scared," said one, "but then I realised the pictures were from Milan, Italy, as opposed to Milan, Illinois. Wait - is the Pope OK? He lives in Italy, right?" More knowledgeable Americans realised that this was an Italian tragedy straight away, but did not realise that there were any skyscrapers or aircraft in Europe.

2002-04-18T17:45:00.000Z

Plane Crash "Not Terrorism"
MILAN, ITALY - This afternoon's plane crash into a Milan skyscraper was not anything to do with terrorism, instead a terrible accident. Early reports by rolling news broadcasters of over 6,000 dead were later corrected, and the figure is closer to 3. Other reports had suggested that Osama bin Laden was the pilot, but it turned out that in fact it was just some Italian nobody.

2002-04-17T23:26:00.000Z

Powell Demoted!
WASHINGTON, DC - Secretary of State Colin "Pronunciation" Powell returned from his unsuccessful trip to the Middle-East. Angry at his failure, Dubya Bush bumped the General back down to private, where he promised that Powell would "clean the shit off so many shoes his head will spin".

2002-04-17T23:14:00.000Z

Afghan King Returns Home
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - The once time King of Afghanistan, Mohammed something-or-other, has returned to lead his nation at a time in crisis. Although American politicians deny that their backing of this man is a major blooper. Defence Secretary Donald Chumsfelled said, "I categorically deny that this man is a Muslim. He is as civilised as I am, he's royalty, he's lived in Europe. Given those facts, how can he be one of those terrorists?"

2002-04-17T17:39:00.000Z

Rap Music Influenced by Terrorism
COMPTON, LONG BEACH, INGLEWOOOOOD - The new craze among the kids in the hood is "Terrah Rap", and is a more extreme version of "Gangsta Rap". Instead of bitches, hydraulic suspension and 'bling bling', Terrah Rap embraces burkahs, anti-helicopter artillery and 'Taleban! Taleban! Taleban!'. Among the top stars in this new genre are Worldtrade Killah, Osama Camel-Camel, Jihad-Z and Ol' Dirty Muhammed (of the Al-Quai'da Clan).

2002-04-17T17:31:00.000Z

Budget Brings Bad News for Terrorists
LONDON - Disaster faces many terrorist cells after Chancellor Gordon Broon announced the rate of National Insurance would increase to 11%. Already facing bankruptcy due to increased red tape and MI5 operations, many zany Islamic terrorists are about to be made redundant. Some will go into other jobs, flooding the labour market seeking work in call centres and shoe shops to fund their evil hobby.

2002-04-16T22:26:00.000Z

Church of the Nativity Siege Latest
The stand-off in Betlehem has now become so prolonged, that it is believed that Palestinitan gunmen inside are starting to read the Bible for fun.

2002-04-16T00:42:00.000Z

News Anchor Shocks Nobody!
Peter Sissons will never be a suicide bomber, because he has respect for the lives of innocent civilians. No confirmation of whether he has the same attitude when peanut-toothed old-Nazis are involved.

2002-04-16T00:39:00.000Z

'Hot-Feet' Sharon Dances Merry Jig
Nah, that's bollocks.